The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Selfish

I think I am more honest than the other commenters. Or maybe that's just ME! :)
The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Selfish

And How's Your Head?

Today we went to Taco Bell for a quick lunch.  I hate to admit it, but it's true; I don't always eat organic vegan meals.   So there I was, standing behind a blonde woman in a fleece vest, henley shirt, and jeans, waiting to order Mexican-style-ish food.  Suddenly, the Casual Thursday woman sees an employee approaching from the "kitchen" or "assembly line" and loudly exclaims to her,
"I tried it!  It was WONDERFUL! So good, I wish I had ordered it before!" 
She was about to order food, she was talking about food she had recently tried, and she was remembering  food she wished she had ordered differently.  And she was at Taco Bell.   And she didn't weight 350 pounds.  Something was up.

This woman continued to rave on about the deliciousness of "it" to the girl from the assembly line while the employee behind the register waited patiently.   She finally realized that there were people in line behind her and she whips around and shouts generally in the direction of my face,
"We are talking about their extra-large chalupa! It's SO good, you should order it!"
And then she turns back and quickly places her to go order and steps aside.

I felt bad about stepping up and ordering something completely different from her recommendation, but I can't eat beef.  And I really can't eat beef and cheese.  And then she said it...

The loud, oddly not obese, Taco Bell enthusiast says to her friend,
"I wonder if you can get whiplash from falling and hitting your head, because my neck is killing me!"
I am glad her order was "to go" because I had to hold my breath until they left.
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BWAHH-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!!  That explains it!

Reading, writing, and 'makesmesick

After searching for and reading many blogs by writers, aspring writers, humorists, aspiring humorists, and wiseacres who need a better outlet; I have come to one conclusion -

I suck!

-like a weasel (for the "clean" freaks out there)


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See?  I forgot eggs!  I suck - eggs like a weasel!

Excuse Me, I Stink!

Why do Southerners say "excuse me" so often?   If you pass by someone at five feet, there is no need to say "excuse me" unless you just emitted some sort of invisible cloud.   Every small request does not have to be prefaced by "excuse me" as if you were interrupting and causing a commotion.   Let's look at the common questions which, in The South are too often prefaced by "excuse me".

First with the pet phrase:
"Excuse me. Do you have the time?"
"Excuse me. Do ya'll carry the new Tide with colorsafe?"
"Excuse me. I think you are standing on my foot."

Now without:
"Do you have the time?"
"Do ya'll carry the new Tide?"
"OWWWW!!!"

See?  Much better and more efficient.  Besides, "excuse me" seems to mean that you need to be given an excuse for some type of inappropriate behavior.  What's inappropriate and why would someone ask a stranger for an excuse immediately after behaving inappropriately?  That makes me think that when someone passes by and says, "excuse me" that I should offer an excuse for them; such as, "Maybe you had the broccoli at lunch and it doesn't agree with you."
Some unnecessarily polite Grammar Snob has informed me (and others) that we should be saying "pardon me" instead; but "pardon" is forgiveness for a crime.  Surely, walking past someone on the grocery aisle isn't a crime!  On the other hand, it should be a crime to behave as if you are too good to offer even a simple "excuse me" when you actually need to pass through or interfere in some way.   There are those people at the grocery store, too - and in the library stacks and in museums... - breathing down your neck, but not saying a word.   They come up behind and just stand there, waiting for their presence to be detected by the heavy breathing. 
Come on!  I'm not telepathic and sometimes I need to stop and consider a purchase, or snatch a knot in a child, or greet a friend.   So why don't you say something like,
"Coming through here!"
"Would you mind stepping aside?"
or even, "Excuse me!

Don't just stand there and huff.  And please, if you aren't too wide to fit past, go ahead and pass!  You don't need the extra five feet of clearance - unless, like I said, you need to an excuse for your fumes.

It's easy to get dirty - hard to stay clean

Less than two weeks ago I graduated from Jeff Justice's Comedy Workshoppe and performed my first stand up routine at The Punchline comedy club.  There was a sold out crowd of friends and relatives of the 17 people "graduating" that  night.   We each got about 5 minutes to do our new thing on stage in the hot lights. It was phenomenal fun to be in front of a supportive audience and to make them laugh.  It even sounded like real laughter.  I thought I was funny for a few minutes there; but I did check behind me to see if there was somebody back there making faces or pulling his pants down.

Then I entered a comedy contest at another club out of town.  Now, I want to point out that the info they sent about the contest said, "The more clever and clean you are, the more likely you are to advance."
I think this was a joke from the club owner.  I was gullible enough to believe it; either that, or my definition of clean is a h*ll of a lot squeakier than anyone else's.   I went in with just under seven minutes of well rehearsed comedy - or "jokes" as I call them.

After the first contestant, I knew I could be in trouble.  By the time the fourth came off and I was next, I was practically in a panic.   I realized that after hearing four people doing sex and masturbation jokes, and using the "f word" freely - the audience was going to be numb to my "clean" jokes.   And I guess I was right.  I say "guess" because the audience barely got a chance to decide.   I know I sound like sour grapes, but I can't help but wonder if the crowd would have warmed up to me a bit if I had been allowed to get through my set; but I wasn't.

There were three so-called celebrity judges who were mainly there to give critiques to each contestant after each performance.  One of the judges had a high hat cymbal to use as a gong.   He gonged me barely three minutes into my set.  I was pretty miffed that I didn't get a better chance.  Admittedly, I started weak because I was so psyched out by all the "dirty" comedy before me.  So I faltered a bit.   It's also possible that they took my opening little joke as bragging.  I said, "Well, I'm not a guy, ethnic, Jewish, bitterly divorced or a lesbian; so I guess my chance of making it in stand up comedy is thhhffft*!"
*(Made a 'raspberry" sound  and a zero gesture.)
I guess there were more lesbians and bitter divorcees in the crowd than I expected.

I did get some laughs after that, but not enough for the judge with the cymbal apparently.  Anyway, I survived my first bombing and I am still alive.  I am questioning whether a straight, happily married white girl can make it on that scene.  I also have been asking myself how edgy am I willing and able to be.  Frankly, I think just about anybody can come up with a dirty joke.  Being funny without being shocking or gross is a bigger challenge.  I believe I would like to continue to tackle that bigger challenge.

That's all I have to say about that for now.