1. When you excuse yourself to the restroom, you say, "I need to run to the litter box."
2. You get lots of compliments on your beautiful angora sweaters but you don't own any.
3. Your kids show up to the community easter egg hunt with pooper scoopers instead of easter baskets.
4. You have guests over for dinner and speak only four sentences to them all evening: "sit!", "stay.", "eat!", "go home!".
5. You sleep on the floor because the dogs have the bed - and the couch.
6. When you don't want to have "relations" with your spouse, instead of claiming a headache you bare your teeth and give a warning growl.
7. You list your hobbies as: trimming out matts, cleaning cages, spotting turds in the grass at 10 feet, and removing carpet stains effectively.
8. You can only cook one-dish meals that you serve in bowls.
9. Your friends think your favorite cologne is Citrus Spray pet odor remover.
10. When everyone else at the office is talking about the latest episode of "Lost" or "Dancing with the Stars" you jump in with the recounting of a poignant rescue of a pitbull that you watched on Animal Planet.
Random attempts at humor writing by a lefty.
3/31/2010
Funny Family Story for rd.com
Submitted by me to Reader's Digest at http://www.rd.com/ for their funny family stories contest:
My two young children still have some minor speech issues. They have trouble making "th" sounds and combined consonants. But one day I overheard them challenging each other to try tongue twisters.
"Say, "woodchuck chuck wood" five times!" challenges sister.
"Say, "five fast" 10 times!" challenges brother.
Knowing their speaking issues and being slightly amused by their efforts, I challenged:
"Say 'Mother of the Month' three times!", knowing it would sound like "Muvver ov de mumpf".
My daughter looks at me steadily and says, "Mean Mom, Mean Mom, Mean Mom."
No award for this Mom!
(I hope reprinting it here doesn't violate their submission rules that I just skimmed through!)
My two young children still have some minor speech issues. They have trouble making "th" sounds and combined consonants. But one day I overheard them challenging each other to try tongue twisters.
"Say, "woodchuck chuck wood" five times!" challenges sister.
"Say, "five fast" 10 times!" challenges brother.
Knowing their speaking issues and being slightly amused by their efforts, I challenged:
"Say 'Mother of the Month' three times!", knowing it would sound like "Muvver ov de mumpf".
My daughter looks at me steadily and says, "Mean Mom, Mean Mom, Mean Mom."
No award for this Mom!
(I hope reprinting it here doesn't violate their submission rules that I just skimmed through!)
3/30/2010
A Vacation Scene
My response to a prompt about vacation with a checklist of words to use from Seven Days Seven Answers:
"After a turbulent flight, temporarily lost luggage, and a restless night's sleep with a noisy air conditioner, I was finally on the beach. It was warm, humid bliss. I settled on a chaise with my most recently acquired book by David Sedaris. With a huge, warm sigh that flowed through every relaxing muscle and resting bone in my body, I sipped Sangria and thought about my husband back at home dealing with Monkey-boy, the Drama Princess, and, our oldest, Mr. Loud Sound Effects!"
I actually have little idea what Sangria is and if it is appropriate to sip on the beach. Since it was in the list of words, I'm guessing you would drink it on vacation at least. I just don't drink - other than soft drinks, or virgin pina coladas.
"After a turbulent flight, temporarily lost luggage, and a restless night's sleep with a noisy air conditioner, I was finally on the beach. It was warm, humid bliss. I settled on a chaise with my most recently acquired book by David Sedaris. With a huge, warm sigh that flowed through every relaxing muscle and resting bone in my body, I sipped Sangria and thought about my husband back at home dealing with Monkey-boy, the Drama Princess, and, our oldest, Mr. Loud Sound Effects!"
I actually have little idea what Sangria is and if it is appropriate to sip on the beach. Since it was in the list of words, I'm guessing you would drink it on vacation at least. I just don't drink - other than soft drinks, or virgin pina coladas.
My response to One Minute Writer prompt on 3/29/2010
Prompt from One Minute Writer blog about celebrity endorsement
My one minute of writing:
"I'm Evander Holyfield, and even though my Dentist makes great mouthpieces to protect my teeth during my exhibition fights in Vegas; he still recommends Pronamel for Sensitive Teeth. It isn't irritating when my teeth are loose and sensitive after a fight and it strengthens enamel so there's less chance of broken teeth!"
My one minute of writing:
"I'm Evander Holyfield, and even though my Dentist makes great mouthpieces to protect my teeth during my exhibition fights in Vegas; he still recommends Pronamel for Sensitive Teeth. It isn't irritating when my teeth are loose and sensitive after a fight and it strengthens enamel so there's less chance of broken teeth!"
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