Forget the facelift and boob job, Maria, just do more squats and thrusts!
Random attempts at humor writing by a lefty.
10/08/2010
9/30/2010
Class Reunion Moment
When I was in nursery school I had a best friend. We always played together and his name was Kevin. Then we moved to another town and I only saw Kevin a few more times when I went back to visit my grandparents. We lost contact completely for several years, but then when my family moved back to my hometown, I found myself sitting in my new homeroom class, on the first day of school, right behind Kevin!
I tapped him on the shoulder and said with a big smile, "Hi! It's been awhile!"
He sat twisted in his seat, giving me a blank look.
"Remember me? I know I've grown up some, but we used to play together ALL the time when we were little? And our parents were good friends?"
He smiled then and looked about the room as if he was anticipating that the rest of the class would be watching this reunion moment. Then he asked,
"Is this a candid camera joke or something? I don't know you."
I tapped him on the shoulder and said with a big smile, "Hi! It's been awhile!"
He sat twisted in his seat, giving me a blank look.
"Remember me? I know I've grown up some, but we used to play together ALL the time when we were little? And our parents were good friends?"
He smiled then and looked about the room as if he was anticipating that the rest of the class would be watching this reunion moment. Then he asked,
"Is this a candid camera joke or something? I don't know you."
They say it is nice to be remembered.
The One Minute Writer
I was a daily winner on One Minute Writer for the second time! Yay ME!
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2010/08/todays-writing-prompt-forget.html
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2010/08/todays-writing-prompt-forget.html
TREAT TIME!
9/08/2010
Sweet Joe
My latest relationship is with Joe. I just love Joe. He is so adorable with his coarse black hair, wideset eyes, and ears that stick out to the sides. He has a very healthy round physique and short little legs. I think it is so cute how he doesn't bend his knees when he runs.
He is very proud of his long beard, and I like it too. It's so long that it looks like he could trip over it.
He charms all the ladies but he responds to me best. Everyone responds to him. When he calls out in that low quavery voice of his, nobody resists answering.
"Hey, Joe! What do you want, Joe?"
"Naa-a-a."
Yep, Joe the Billy is the cutest pygmy goat I know.
He is very proud of his long beard, and I like it too. It's so long that it looks like he could trip over it.
He charms all the ladies but he responds to me best. Everyone responds to him. When he calls out in that low quavery voice of his, nobody resists answering.
"Hey, Joe! What do you want, Joe?"
"Naa-a-a."
Yep, Joe the Billy is the cutest pygmy goat I know.
Comedy Workshoppe apology
Dear Comedy Workshoppe Guy:
I'm sorry that I was rather disruptive during the first session of the course. I came in late and then developed a crushing migraine and had to leave early during a bout with extreme nausea and auras. There is no excuse for that. I feel terrible about missing out on most of that first session because it seemed very fun and informative - plus I paid $449 for this short workshop.
I promise it won't happen again. At least, I hope it won't happen again. I can't really promise it won't happen again, since I had very little control over the situation. I can say that I will allow even more extra time over the travel time given by my navigation device so that I can have a better chance of being prompt. I can also bring Excedrin and sunglasses.
I do want to thank you for choosing such a nice hotel in which to hold the workshop, because I was able to enjoy a clean and quiet room while I suffered through my migraine headache.
BTW, I think the person who referred me to your class must have missed some, too. He obviously didn't hear the part where you warn against the use of profanity and dirty jokes. He is all about v*g*n*s and d*ck jokes. I even heard him call a heckler a m*th* f**ker. I was like, What?! I thought you were supposed to use witty banter to win the audience; not just yell, "Shut up, you m* f*!"
Anyway, I can't criticize him too much because he's out there winning contests - and he might not renew my prescription.
Again, I am sorry and I will see you next week,
Sincerely,
Your Student
cc: my shrink
I'm sorry that I was rather disruptive during the first session of the course. I came in late and then developed a crushing migraine and had to leave early during a bout with extreme nausea and auras. There is no excuse for that. I feel terrible about missing out on most of that first session because it seemed very fun and informative - plus I paid $449 for this short workshop.
I promise it won't happen again. At least, I hope it won't happen again. I can't really promise it won't happen again, since I had very little control over the situation. I can say that I will allow even more extra time over the travel time given by my navigation device so that I can have a better chance of being prompt. I can also bring Excedrin and sunglasses.
I do want to thank you for choosing such a nice hotel in which to hold the workshop, because I was able to enjoy a clean and quiet room while I suffered through my migraine headache.
BTW, I think the person who referred me to your class must have missed some, too. He obviously didn't hear the part where you warn against the use of profanity and dirty jokes. He is all about v*g*n*s and d*ck jokes. I even heard him call a heckler a m*th* f**ker. I was like, What?! I thought you were supposed to use witty banter to win the audience; not just yell, "Shut up, you m* f*!"
Anyway, I can't criticize him too much because he's out there winning contests - and he might not renew my prescription.
Again, I am sorry and I will see you next week,
Sincerely,
Your Student
cc: my shrink
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