Top ten reasons you can only come up with "dirty" jokes:
10. You spend a lot of your time talking to sex addicts and heavy masturbators.
9. You try to come up with your material while playing "guitar" for def chics.
8. You still think you are a participant in trials for Cialis.
7. You haven't figured out that you should schedule your late night gigs telling jokes to winos during your wife's "special time of the month" and GO HOME with wine on the other nights!
6. Dirty jokes suit the quality of audience in the clubs that will give you mic time.
5. When you said you really wanted to come up with a set you could do in front of your kids - you were LYING!
4. Your mother was an empathic and "generous" woman. (That's right, yo' mama!)
3. Your braille underwear is too tight.
2. You think: "If it was funny in middle school, it's funnier now."
Number 1 reason you can only come up with "dirty" jokes:
..................................................................................................
YOU ARE BASICALLY JUST A RAGIN' PERVERT!
: O : O : D ; )
Random attempts at humor writing by a lefty.
5/03/2010
5/02/2010
Interpreting Dreams
Some people are really into the interpretation of dreams. Dreams may be glimpses into one's future or messages from God. Some people believe dreams are psychic phenomena that reveal clues to unsolved mysteries or the mysteries of our true inner selves. I have to wonder what those who ascribe such weight to dreams would think of my dreams. And in case I haven't made it clear, I'm talking about those images and experiences that happen in my brain while I'm sleeping. I'm not referring to dreamy daytime thoughts or my goals for the future.
My nighttime dreams are usually extremely mundane. Mundane as in ordinary, daily life boring. Like when I dreamed that I locked my keys in my car and just as I was about to get upset, I realized, "Oh, I have a keypad on the door and I KNOW THE CODE!" So I got in my car and went on. I might dream about cleaning a spot on the carpet or going for a walk in my neighborhood. Really boring stuff. I wonder if this has any meaning for me. Maybe it means I'm boring or my life is boring. It could be my unconscious brain telling me that I need to get out more. Or maybe just the opposite - I should be happy with what I have and where I am right now and not seek more. I don't know.
However, I am pretty sure that the absence of other people in most of my dreams means I don't have many friends. And I'm also pretty sure that I don't know where the killer hid the body.
Well, I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll dream that I got all the laundry done and not have that nightmare about preparing my tax return again.
My nighttime dreams are usually extremely mundane. Mundane as in ordinary, daily life boring. Like when I dreamed that I locked my keys in my car and just as I was about to get upset, I realized, "Oh, I have a keypad on the door and I KNOW THE CODE!" So I got in my car and went on. I might dream about cleaning a spot on the carpet or going for a walk in my neighborhood. Really boring stuff. I wonder if this has any meaning for me. Maybe it means I'm boring or my life is boring. It could be my unconscious brain telling me that I need to get out more. Or maybe just the opposite - I should be happy with what I have and where I am right now and not seek more. I don't know.
However, I am pretty sure that the absence of other people in most of my dreams means I don't have many friends. And I'm also pretty sure that I don't know where the killer hid the body.
Well, I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll dream that I got all the laundry done and not have that nightmare about preparing my tax return again.
4/01/2010
Ten Hints That You May Have Too Many Pets
1. When you excuse yourself to the restroom, you say, "I need to run to the litter box."
2. You get lots of compliments on your beautiful angora sweaters but you don't own any.
3. Your kids show up to the community easter egg hunt with pooper scoopers instead of easter baskets.
4. You have guests over for dinner and speak only four sentences to them all evening: "sit!", "stay.", "eat!", "go home!".
5. You sleep on the floor because the dogs have the bed - and the couch.
6. When you don't want to have "relations" with your spouse, instead of claiming a headache you bare your teeth and give a warning growl.
7. You list your hobbies as: trimming out matts, cleaning cages, spotting turds in the grass at 10 feet, and removing carpet stains effectively.
8. You can only cook one-dish meals that you serve in bowls.
9. Your friends think your favorite cologne is Citrus Spray pet odor remover.
10. When everyone else at the office is talking about the latest episode of "Lost" or "Dancing with the Stars" you jump in with the recounting of a poignant rescue of a pitbull that you watched on Animal Planet.
2. You get lots of compliments on your beautiful angora sweaters but you don't own any.
3. Your kids show up to the community easter egg hunt with pooper scoopers instead of easter baskets.
4. You have guests over for dinner and speak only four sentences to them all evening: "sit!", "stay.", "eat!", "go home!".
5. You sleep on the floor because the dogs have the bed - and the couch.
6. When you don't want to have "relations" with your spouse, instead of claiming a headache you bare your teeth and give a warning growl.
7. You list your hobbies as: trimming out matts, cleaning cages, spotting turds in the grass at 10 feet, and removing carpet stains effectively.
8. You can only cook one-dish meals that you serve in bowls.
9. Your friends think your favorite cologne is Citrus Spray pet odor remover.
10. When everyone else at the office is talking about the latest episode of "Lost" or "Dancing with the Stars" you jump in with the recounting of a poignant rescue of a pitbull that you watched on Animal Planet.
3/31/2010
Funny Family Story for rd.com
Submitted by me to Reader's Digest at http://www.rd.com/ for their funny family stories contest:
My two young children still have some minor speech issues. They have trouble making "th" sounds and combined consonants. But one day I overheard them challenging each other to try tongue twisters.
"Say, "woodchuck chuck wood" five times!" challenges sister.
"Say, "five fast" 10 times!" challenges brother.
Knowing their speaking issues and being slightly amused by their efforts, I challenged:
"Say 'Mother of the Month' three times!", knowing it would sound like "Muvver ov de mumpf".
My daughter looks at me steadily and says, "Mean Mom, Mean Mom, Mean Mom."
No award for this Mom!
(I hope reprinting it here doesn't violate their submission rules that I just skimmed through!)
My two young children still have some minor speech issues. They have trouble making "th" sounds and combined consonants. But one day I overheard them challenging each other to try tongue twisters.
"Say, "woodchuck chuck wood" five times!" challenges sister.
"Say, "five fast" 10 times!" challenges brother.
Knowing their speaking issues and being slightly amused by their efforts, I challenged:
"Say 'Mother of the Month' three times!", knowing it would sound like "Muvver ov de mumpf".
My daughter looks at me steadily and says, "Mean Mom, Mean Mom, Mean Mom."
No award for this Mom!
(I hope reprinting it here doesn't violate their submission rules that I just skimmed through!)
3/30/2010
A Vacation Scene
My response to a prompt about vacation with a checklist of words to use from Seven Days Seven Answers:
"After a turbulent flight, temporarily lost luggage, and a restless night's sleep with a noisy air conditioner, I was finally on the beach. It was warm, humid bliss. I settled on a chaise with my most recently acquired book by David Sedaris. With a huge, warm sigh that flowed through every relaxing muscle and resting bone in my body, I sipped Sangria and thought about my husband back at home dealing with Monkey-boy, the Drama Princess, and, our oldest, Mr. Loud Sound Effects!"
I actually have little idea what Sangria is and if it is appropriate to sip on the beach. Since it was in the list of words, I'm guessing you would drink it on vacation at least. I just don't drink - other than soft drinks, or virgin pina coladas.
"After a turbulent flight, temporarily lost luggage, and a restless night's sleep with a noisy air conditioner, I was finally on the beach. It was warm, humid bliss. I settled on a chaise with my most recently acquired book by David Sedaris. With a huge, warm sigh that flowed through every relaxing muscle and resting bone in my body, I sipped Sangria and thought about my husband back at home dealing with Monkey-boy, the Drama Princess, and, our oldest, Mr. Loud Sound Effects!"
I actually have little idea what Sangria is and if it is appropriate to sip on the beach. Since it was in the list of words, I'm guessing you would drink it on vacation at least. I just don't drink - other than soft drinks, or virgin pina coladas.
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