Reading, writing, and 'makesmesick

After searching for and reading many blogs by writers, aspring writers, humorists, aspiring humorists, and wiseacres who need a better outlet; I have come to one conclusion -

I suck!

-like a weasel (for the "clean" freaks out there)


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See?  I forgot eggs!  I suck - eggs like a weasel!

Excuse Me, I Stink!

Why do Southerners say "excuse me" so often?   If you pass by someone at five feet, there is no need to say "excuse me" unless you just emitted some sort of invisible cloud.   Every small request does not have to be prefaced by "excuse me" as if you were interrupting and causing a commotion.   Let's look at the common questions which, in The South are too often prefaced by "excuse me".

First with the pet phrase:
"Excuse me. Do you have the time?"
"Excuse me. Do ya'll carry the new Tide with colorsafe?"
"Excuse me. I think you are standing on my foot."

Now without:
"Do you have the time?"
"Do ya'll carry the new Tide?"
"OWWWW!!!"

See?  Much better and more efficient.  Besides, "excuse me" seems to mean that you need to be given an excuse for some type of inappropriate behavior.  What's inappropriate and why would someone ask a stranger for an excuse immediately after behaving inappropriately?  That makes me think that when someone passes by and says, "excuse me" that I should offer an excuse for them; such as, "Maybe you had the broccoli at lunch and it doesn't agree with you."
Some unnecessarily polite Grammar Snob has informed me (and others) that we should be saying "pardon me" instead; but "pardon" is forgiveness for a crime.  Surely, walking past someone on the grocery aisle isn't a crime!  On the other hand, it should be a crime to behave as if you are too good to offer even a simple "excuse me" when you actually need to pass through or interfere in some way.   There are those people at the grocery store, too - and in the library stacks and in museums... - breathing down your neck, but not saying a word.   They come up behind and just stand there, waiting for their presence to be detected by the heavy breathing. 
Come on!  I'm not telepathic and sometimes I need to stop and consider a purchase, or snatch a knot in a child, or greet a friend.   So why don't you say something like,
"Coming through here!"
"Would you mind stepping aside?"
or even, "Excuse me!

Don't just stand there and huff.  And please, if you aren't too wide to fit past, go ahead and pass!  You don't need the extra five feet of clearance - unless, like I said, you need to an excuse for your fumes.

It's easy to get dirty - hard to stay clean

Less than two weeks ago I graduated from Jeff Justice's Comedy Workshoppe and performed my first stand up routine at The Punchline comedy club.  There was a sold out crowd of friends and relatives of the 17 people "graduating" that  night.   We each got about 5 minutes to do our new thing on stage in the hot lights. It was phenomenal fun to be in front of a supportive audience and to make them laugh.  It even sounded like real laughter.  I thought I was funny for a few minutes there; but I did check behind me to see if there was somebody back there making faces or pulling his pants down.

Then I entered a comedy contest at another club out of town.  Now, I want to point out that the info they sent about the contest said, "The more clever and clean you are, the more likely you are to advance."
I think this was a joke from the club owner.  I was gullible enough to believe it; either that, or my definition of clean is a h*ll of a lot squeakier than anyone else's.   I went in with just under seven minutes of well rehearsed comedy - or "jokes" as I call them.

After the first contestant, I knew I could be in trouble.  By the time the fourth came off and I was next, I was practically in a panic.   I realized that after hearing four people doing sex and masturbation jokes, and using the "f word" freely - the audience was going to be numb to my "clean" jokes.   And I guess I was right.  I say "guess" because the audience barely got a chance to decide.   I know I sound like sour grapes, but I can't help but wonder if the crowd would have warmed up to me a bit if I had been allowed to get through my set; but I wasn't.

There were three so-called celebrity judges who were mainly there to give critiques to each contestant after each performance.  One of the judges had a high hat cymbal to use as a gong.   He gonged me barely three minutes into my set.  I was pretty miffed that I didn't get a better chance.  Admittedly, I started weak because I was so psyched out by all the "dirty" comedy before me.  So I faltered a bit.   It's also possible that they took my opening little joke as bragging.  I said, "Well, I'm not a guy, ethnic, Jewish, bitterly divorced or a lesbian; so I guess my chance of making it in stand up comedy is thhhffft*!"
*(Made a 'raspberry" sound  and a zero gesture.)
I guess there were more lesbians and bitter divorcees in the crowd than I expected.

I did get some laughs after that, but not enough for the judge with the cymbal apparently.  Anyway, I survived my first bombing and I am still alive.  I am questioning whether a straight, happily married white girl can make it on that scene.  I also have been asking myself how edgy am I willing and able to be.  Frankly, I think just about anybody can come up with a dirty joke.  Being funny without being shocking or gross is a bigger challenge.  I believe I would like to continue to tackle that bigger challenge.

That's all I have to say about that for now.

This Mine 69 days without an accident

I am glad that the Chilean miners were rescued before Christmas. It was heartwarming to see each miner brought up to greet and hug their waiting loved ones for the first time in over 2 months. It was gripping to watch Yonni Barrios come out of that hole in the ground, slowly turn, and see...
his mistress. His expression was hard to decipher as he accepted her hugs. Was he relieved that his wife wasn't there with a pair of shears? Was he sad to see confirmation that he was getting a divorce? Was his mistress the one he was hoping to see? Was he actually planning on dumping her right before the accident? I suspect we will hear more about that little Chilean drama.

I think Yonni will do quite well, though; even if his wife gets the house. It looks like those miners could be set for awhile and maybe for life. They have received many gifts and are set to get endorsement deals, movie and book contracts, compensation from the government and the owners of the mine. Yonni might get on a TV court drama - or be the next Bachelor.

It seems to me that the miners will be heavily rewarded for participating in a workplace accident. I'm not saying they shouldn't be compensated, but they could potentially walk away with fortunes. They are celebrities - brave survivors. They will be more than compensated. I think this kind of thing happens a lot these days. People are in a disaster, an accident, or a weird incident in which they grab two beers and slide down the emergency chute; and suddenly they are celebrities. Interviews, books, websites, viral videos pave the path to fame and fortune.

Couldn't this encourage reckless or careless behavior at work?
"Hey, let's goof around and maybe we'll cause a spectacular accident that makes us all rich! That is, all of us who survive."

I think if you work in a dangerous or potentially dangerous industrial setting, you should keep an eye on your co-workers. Watch out for those who seemed bored with life and for those who are continually cash-strapped. They may decide to start something.
Just remember, not EVERY disaster works out for the best.

Frisky Arnold in Rio

Forget the facelift and boob job, Maria, just do more squats and thrusts!