Random attempts at humor writing by a lefty.
6/09/2011
Oprah-Wan Kenoprah
Today I turned on the TV and saw back-to-back episodes of Dr. Phil. I then realized I was seeing the OWN Network and it occurred to me that Oprah has become like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
In the original Star Wars movie, Obi-Wan Kenobi challenges Darth Vader and allows himself to be struck down by Darth's light saber. Obi-Wan then becomes "more powerful than you can ever imagine". From then on he is no longer merely a regular physical presence in Luke Skywalker's life as a Jedi, but he is an ever-present spiritual advisor - a part of The Force - in Luke's mind.
Now that Oprah has ended "Oprah" after 25 years of providing daily guidance and life-changing television, she is not gone, but has actually become even more powerful than we ever imagined with the launch of her OWN network. She is not just on for an hour each weekday, she has a round-the-clock forum through which to guide, inspire, and mold us - her faithful devotees.
"Let go your feelings! Write them in your Gratitude Journal!"
"Feel the force of your own instinct - listen to yourself - as a woman you are powerful and wise!"
"Focus on your best life and surround yourself with your favorite things!"
"LUKE Lucy, I AM YOUR FATHER Mother Oprah!"
In the original Star Wars movie, Obi-Wan Kenobi challenges Darth Vader and allows himself to be struck down by Darth's light saber. Obi-Wan then becomes "more powerful than you can ever imagine". From then on he is no longer merely a regular physical presence in Luke Skywalker's life as a Jedi, but he is an ever-present spiritual advisor - a part of The Force - in Luke's mind.
Now that Oprah has ended "Oprah" after 25 years of providing daily guidance and life-changing television, she is not gone, but has actually become even more powerful than we ever imagined with the launch of her OWN network. She is not just on for an hour each weekday, she has a round-the-clock forum through which to guide, inspire, and mold us - her faithful devotees.
"Let go your feelings! Write them in your Gratitude Journal!"
"Feel the force of your own instinct - listen to yourself - as a woman you are powerful and wise!"
"Focus on your best life and surround yourself with your favorite things!"
Okay, so that last line was Darth Vader not Obi-wan Kenobi, but you get the picture.
Actually... maybe Oprah is Darth...
5/16/2011
Dogs Vs Cats - Again?
The "dogs versus cats" debate has gone on forever, much like the "mommy wars" with stay-at-home vs. working; so I think it is high time that I weigh in.
Most people who know me have labeled me as an "animal lover" (I protest that I only "like" animals) and I have both dogs and cats hanging out at my house. I can speak from intimate knowledge - but not that intimate - about the merits and behaviors of both dogs and cats. In my considered opinion, the wrong question is being debated. It is not whether cats are better than dogs or dogs better than cats; but rather, which species is more humanized or people-like. That's what we really expect, isn't it? If we're honest. We want our pets to understand us and not have to work too hard to understand them. We want obedience and companionship; therefore, the animal that is more like a person is the more appreciated pet; or rather, as PETA may prefer, animal companion.
That's why so many people like dogs. Dogs are responsive and gather around when household members arrive home, and so they are considered "friendly" and "loyal". Their panting with lips pulled back and tongue lolling appears to us as a smile or a laughing face. A dog will usually approach when a familiar person calls his name. Dogs are creatures of habit, much like us; they stick to a regular routine.
Cats, on the other hand, seem to be loners, don't come when called, don't "smile", and they don't seem to want to eat what we eat.
But I say, that when it comes to being people-like, cats are much more like the people I know than dogs.
Regarding dogs: How many people do you know who are happy all the time? Who always watch your back? Do your children always come running when you call them, and will they eat anything - from burnt toast to overripe cantaloupe? Of course not, the general behavior of my dogs does not live down to the general behavior of my family and so-called friends.
Dogs are superhuman, at best.
Cats, on the other hand, are people personified.
Cats tend toward neurotic lows and quixotic highs. When you talk to a cat, it will stare at you with little or no comprehension, just like a spouse or child. They often don't appreciate what is served for dinner. They tend to leave the house and show up again only at meal times, except on occassions when they don't show up and leave you to worry for a few hours. When he does finally show up, he strolls in like nothing is different and you aren't losing sleep over him. Cats also respond strangely to green leafy stuff in a baggie. And, by the way, cats do have expressions even if they don't smile. You just have to watch their eyes; afterall, isn't that where you look to get the true mood and measure of a person?
In nature, cats keep in touch over distances with their calls - lions roar, little cats yowl. Do you spend more time on your cellphone or more time talking face to face with physical contact? Next time, you call your cat, listen for a little meow. He's just checking in with you. He'd send a text, but he doesn't have thumbs.
Most people who know me have labeled me as an "animal lover" (I protest that I only "like" animals) and I have both dogs and cats hanging out at my house. I can speak from intimate knowledge - but not that intimate - about the merits and behaviors of both dogs and cats. In my considered opinion, the wrong question is being debated. It is not whether cats are better than dogs or dogs better than cats; but rather, which species is more humanized or people-like. That's what we really expect, isn't it? If we're honest. We want our pets to understand us and not have to work too hard to understand them. We want obedience and companionship; therefore, the animal that is more like a person is the more appreciated pet; or rather, as PETA may prefer, animal companion.
That's why so many people like dogs. Dogs are responsive and gather around when household members arrive home, and so they are considered "friendly" and "loyal". Their panting with lips pulled back and tongue lolling appears to us as a smile or a laughing face. A dog will usually approach when a familiar person calls his name. Dogs are creatures of habit, much like us; they stick to a regular routine.
Cats, on the other hand, seem to be loners, don't come when called, don't "smile", and they don't seem to want to eat what we eat.
But I say, that when it comes to being people-like, cats are much more like the people I know than dogs.
Regarding dogs: How many people do you know who are happy all the time? Who always watch your back? Do your children always come running when you call them, and will they eat anything - from burnt toast to overripe cantaloupe? Of course not, the general behavior of my dogs does not live down to the general behavior of my family and so-called friends.
Dogs are superhuman, at best.
Cats, on the other hand, are people personified.
Cats tend toward neurotic lows and quixotic highs. When you talk to a cat, it will stare at you with little or no comprehension, just like a spouse or child. They often don't appreciate what is served for dinner. They tend to leave the house and show up again only at meal times, except on occassions when they don't show up and leave you to worry for a few hours. When he does finally show up, he strolls in like nothing is different and you aren't losing sleep over him. Cats also respond strangely to green leafy stuff in a baggie. And, by the way, cats do have expressions even if they don't smile. You just have to watch their eyes; afterall, isn't that where you look to get the true mood and measure of a person?
In nature, cats keep in touch over distances with their calls - lions roar, little cats yowl. Do you spend more time on your cellphone or more time talking face to face with physical contact? Next time, you call your cat, listen for a little meow. He's just checking in with you. He'd send a text, but he doesn't have thumbs.
11/17/2010
The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Selfish
I think I am more honest than the other commenters. Or maybe that's just ME! :)
The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Selfish
The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Selfish
11/06/2010
And How's Your Head?
Today we went to Taco Bell for a quick lunch. I hate to admit it, but it's true; I don't always eat organic vegan meals. So there I was, standing behind a blonde woman in a fleece vest, henley shirt, and jeans, waiting to order Mexican-style-ish food. Suddenly, the Casual Thursday woman sees an employee approaching from the "kitchen" or "assembly line" and loudly exclaims to her,
"I tried it! It was WONDERFUL! So good, I wish I had ordered it before!"
She was about to order food, she was talking about food she had recently tried, and she was remembering food she wished she had ordered differently. And she was at Taco Bell. And she didn't weight 350 pounds. Something was up.
This woman continued to rave on about the deliciousness of "it" to the girl from the assembly line while the employee behind the register waited patiently. She finally realized that there were people in line behind her and she whips around and shouts generally in the direction of my face,
"We are talking about their extra-large chalupa! It's SO good, you should order it!"
And then she turns back and quickly places her to go order and steps aside.
I felt bad about stepping up and ordering something completely different from her recommendation, but I can't eat beef. And I really can't eat beef and cheese. And then she said it...
The loud, oddly not obese, Taco Bell enthusiast says to her friend,
"I wonder if you can get whiplash from falling and hitting your head, because my neck is killing me!"
I am glad her order was "to go" because I had to hold my breath until they left.
----------------------------------------------------------
BWAHH-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!! That explains it!
"I tried it! It was WONDERFUL! So good, I wish I had ordered it before!"
She was about to order food, she was talking about food she had recently tried, and she was remembering food she wished she had ordered differently. And she was at Taco Bell. And she didn't weight 350 pounds. Something was up.
This woman continued to rave on about the deliciousness of "it" to the girl from the assembly line while the employee behind the register waited patiently. She finally realized that there were people in line behind her and she whips around and shouts generally in the direction of my face,
"We are talking about their extra-large chalupa! It's SO good, you should order it!"
And then she turns back and quickly places her to go order and steps aside.
I felt bad about stepping up and ordering something completely different from her recommendation, but I can't eat beef. And I really can't eat beef and cheese. And then she said it...
The loud, oddly not obese, Taco Bell enthusiast says to her friend,
"I wonder if you can get whiplash from falling and hitting your head, because my neck is killing me!"
I am glad her order was "to go" because I had to hold my breath until they left.
----------------------------------------------------------
BWAHH-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!! That explains it!
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