http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2010/08/todays-writing-prompt-forget.html
TREAT TIME!
Random attempts at humor writing by a lefty.
9/30/2010
The One Minute Writer
I was a daily winner on One Minute Writer for the second time! Yay ME!
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2010/08/todays-writing-prompt-forget.html
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2010/08/todays-writing-prompt-forget.html
9/08/2010
Sweet Joe
My latest relationship is with Joe. I just love Joe. He is so adorable with his coarse black hair, wideset eyes, and ears that stick out to the sides. He has a very healthy round physique and short little legs. I think it is so cute how he doesn't bend his knees when he runs.
He is very proud of his long beard, and I like it too. It's so long that it looks like he could trip over it.
He charms all the ladies but he responds to me best. Everyone responds to him. When he calls out in that low quavery voice of his, nobody resists answering.
"Hey, Joe! What do you want, Joe?"
"Naa-a-a."
Yep, Joe the Billy is the cutest pygmy goat I know.
He is very proud of his long beard, and I like it too. It's so long that it looks like he could trip over it.
He charms all the ladies but he responds to me best. Everyone responds to him. When he calls out in that low quavery voice of his, nobody resists answering.
"Hey, Joe! What do you want, Joe?"
"Naa-a-a."
Yep, Joe the Billy is the cutest pygmy goat I know.
Comedy Workshoppe apology
Dear Comedy Workshoppe Guy:
I'm sorry that I was rather disruptive during the first session of the course. I came in late and then developed a crushing migraine and had to leave early during a bout with extreme nausea and auras. There is no excuse for that. I feel terrible about missing out on most of that first session because it seemed very fun and informative - plus I paid $449 for this short workshop.
I promise it won't happen again. At least, I hope it won't happen again. I can't really promise it won't happen again, since I had very little control over the situation. I can say that I will allow even more extra time over the travel time given by my navigation device so that I can have a better chance of being prompt. I can also bring Excedrin and sunglasses.
I do want to thank you for choosing such a nice hotel in which to hold the workshop, because I was able to enjoy a clean and quiet room while I suffered through my migraine headache.
BTW, I think the person who referred me to your class must have missed some, too. He obviously didn't hear the part where you warn against the use of profanity and dirty jokes. He is all about v*g*n*s and d*ck jokes. I even heard him call a heckler a m*th* f**ker. I was like, What?! I thought you were supposed to use witty banter to win the audience; not just yell, "Shut up, you m* f*!"
Anyway, I can't criticize him too much because he's out there winning contests - and he might not renew my prescription.
Again, I am sorry and I will see you next week,
Sincerely,
Your Student
cc: my shrink
I'm sorry that I was rather disruptive during the first session of the course. I came in late and then developed a crushing migraine and had to leave early during a bout with extreme nausea and auras. There is no excuse for that. I feel terrible about missing out on most of that first session because it seemed very fun and informative - plus I paid $449 for this short workshop.
I promise it won't happen again. At least, I hope it won't happen again. I can't really promise it won't happen again, since I had very little control over the situation. I can say that I will allow even more extra time over the travel time given by my navigation device so that I can have a better chance of being prompt. I can also bring Excedrin and sunglasses.
I do want to thank you for choosing such a nice hotel in which to hold the workshop, because I was able to enjoy a clean and quiet room while I suffered through my migraine headache.
BTW, I think the person who referred me to your class must have missed some, too. He obviously didn't hear the part where you warn against the use of profanity and dirty jokes. He is all about v*g*n*s and d*ck jokes. I even heard him call a heckler a m*th* f**ker. I was like, What?! I thought you were supposed to use witty banter to win the audience; not just yell, "Shut up, you m* f*!"
Anyway, I can't criticize him too much because he's out there winning contests - and he might not renew my prescription.
Again, I am sorry and I will see you next week,
Sincerely,
Your Student
cc: my shrink
8/22/2010
8/16/2010
Big Pipes with Awning Stripes
Why does McDonald's give out those pipes with red and yellow awning stripes in the place of straws?
It made sense in the old days to have everyone drain an entire cup of soda in one slurp - back when they charged for refills- but what is the thinking behind this strategy now? Because free soda bars are available everywhere; you would think that swigging down quarts of soda should only cause more trips to the appetite-suppressing restrooms. How could this sell more burgers? Instead of "_ billion sold", a more appropriate motto might be "_billion flushes".
I don't think it's about selling burgers anymore, people. I think it is a conspiracy against the American people- and the Chinese people, European people, etc. - to simply increase profits at the expense of our internal tanks and well-being. If we quickly fill our stomachs with sweet soda and that soda begins to quickly course through to our bladders, we eat less food.
It works like this: we believe we are full and satiated and that next time we should order less food. At the same time, we are quickly addicted to the head rush created by cold, sugary, caffeinated soda and we return to that "free" soda bar as soon as we come out of the restroom. By creating soda addicts who eat less solid food, McDonald's has increased their profits. How? Basic marketing principles, people! The profit margin for self-serve soda is much higher than for food. If you drink more soda and eat less food, they make more MONEY! In other words, you buy a two dollar cup that costs them 10 cents and fill it with ice and soda yourself for maybe another 10 cents. No employee has been paid to prepare or fill your cup, no cooking oil has been reused to fry that tasty drink, no extra air conditioning needed to cool the fry cooks and frost the dining area - just a bucket and a pipe and a do-it-yourself soda bar. It's genius! Whoever thought of those pipe-straws and soda bars should be rich by now!
And, of course, we go to McDonald's more when we think, "Wow! I only ate the small burger and a soda, and I still gained weight this week! That's depressing, I guess I have a slow metabolism and there is nothing I can do but consume more caffeine. I'll just wheel by McDonald's. They have the biggest cups and straws."
Disclaimer: All the stuff I have written in my posts is intended to be humorous and is my own opinion or "take" on things. My info my sound like fact but could be totally wrong and made up. Supportive comments and LOLs are welcome. Disagreement or crabby comments are usually posted also. So far I am not making any money with this blogging.
It made sense in the old days to have everyone drain an entire cup of soda in one slurp - back when they charged for refills- but what is the thinking behind this strategy now? Because free soda bars are available everywhere; you would think that swigging down quarts of soda should only cause more trips to the appetite-suppressing restrooms. How could this sell more burgers? Instead of "_ billion sold", a more appropriate motto might be "_billion flushes".
I don't think it's about selling burgers anymore, people. I think it is a conspiracy against the American people- and the Chinese people, European people, etc. - to simply increase profits at the expense of our internal tanks and well-being. If we quickly fill our stomachs with sweet soda and that soda begins to quickly course through to our bladders, we eat less food.
It works like this: we believe we are full and satiated and that next time we should order less food. At the same time, we are quickly addicted to the head rush created by cold, sugary, caffeinated soda and we return to that "free" soda bar as soon as we come out of the restroom. By creating soda addicts who eat less solid food, McDonald's has increased their profits. How? Basic marketing principles, people! The profit margin for self-serve soda is much higher than for food. If you drink more soda and eat less food, they make more MONEY! In other words, you buy a two dollar cup that costs them 10 cents and fill it with ice and soda yourself for maybe another 10 cents. No employee has been paid to prepare or fill your cup, no cooking oil has been reused to fry that tasty drink, no extra air conditioning needed to cool the fry cooks and frost the dining area - just a bucket and a pipe and a do-it-yourself soda bar. It's genius! Whoever thought of those pipe-straws and soda bars should be rich by now!
And, of course, we go to McDonald's more when we think, "Wow! I only ate the small burger and a soda, and I still gained weight this week! That's depressing, I guess I have a slow metabolism and there is nothing I can do but consume more caffeine. I'll just wheel by McDonald's. They have the biggest cups and straws."
Disclaimer: All the stuff I have written in my posts is intended to be humorous and is my own opinion or "take" on things. My info my sound like fact but could be totally wrong and made up. Supportive comments and LOLs are welcome. Disagreement or crabby comments are usually posted also. So far I am not making any money with this blogging.
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